Lesson 1: Consent and the Importance of Active Listening

 Good Day, Students! 

Welcome to Sex-Ed class 😊. Our first lesson will cover: 

Consent and the Importance of Active Listening 

Before diving into this topic, I want to explain why I chose to start here. I know some students may wish to jump to the nitty-gritty of it all and understand how different sexual positions work, what is the best brand of lube/condoms, or even what "my first time" should look like. Some may also feel that this is common sense, but as the old saying goes "common sense ain't too common" and we shouldn't assume everyone knows the same thing as everyone else. 

We will get into other topics with time but for now, we will cover the most crucial ones first. This will lay a foundation for a better understanding of all relationship types, and give you more awareness when pursuing intimately romantic or purely sexual relationships (yes, even if y'all just juicing this is important). 

Now let's begin!

What is Consent?

It is the process of asking for and receiving permission. Overall, it is an agreement between two or more individuals. It must be clearly stated and it can be revoked at any time a person feels uncomfortable. Please do not mistake Consent for a "contract". A contract is a legally binding agreement that must be honored or it will come with some form of predetermined or legal consequences. Consent is an agreement that isn't binding and is freely given. Here are a few scenario examples: 

1. Mr. Turnquest can say yes to a beer but has every right to turn it down if he realizes that it isn't a brand he generally likes. He can throw out the beer if he doesn't like the taste. He can also say NO to receiving any more beers once he reaches his limit on drinks. 
2. Ms. Deveaux can say yes to meeting with someone on a date but has every right to cancel the date if she isn't comfortable. She can leave in the middle of the date if she isn't comfortable. She also has a right to not continue dating this person after the first date. 

Yes, consent is a big part of sex as well. Whether this person is your spouse, fiancé/fiancée, baby-daddy/baby-mama, girlfriend, boyfriend, sneaky-link, or pay-for-play, consent is always required before during, and after your sexual encounters. This means that your sexual partner at that time can always tell you NO/STOP and you can always say NO/STOP when in the act of sex or even in other aspects of the relationship you both share.  

Pressuring someone or your partner into giving consent isn't okay either! 

According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (2019), "Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given."

So, consent is all about respecting the other person's boundaries, regardless of their position in your life. What helps is to also grow your active Listening Skills!

What is Active Listening?

It is the process of “listening with the intent to really understand how the person is feeling and be able to put yourself in their shoes to empathize with them.” (Duke, 2023) Which means giving someone your undivided attention and "opening yinna ears first and ya mouth last." This is a great personal tool to foster because it works hand in hand with all relationship types as well as consent. 

It is a part of effective communication and it is a tool for becoming a better person to your friends, family, lovers, and the community around you! It allows you to be a part of deeper conversations, and learn about issues that you may not have noticed before. Here are a few scenario examples: 

1. Ms. Romer came to her friend Ms. Forbes to tell her she hasn't been feeling like herself lately and needs some emotional support. Ms. Forbes interrupted the conversation multiple times to check messages on her phone, and in the end, told her to "pray about it". Ms. Romer took the advice, but no longer felt comfortable speaking with her friend about her worries. In the end, Ms. Romer decided to keep a greater distance because she felt a lack of support. 
1. If Ms. Forbes utilized active listening, she would have tried to approach her friend more carefully, and a stronger bond could've been created.
   
   
2. Mr. Johnson and Ms. Roker dated each other for 6 months. Ms. Roker has felt the intimacy in their relationship decreased drastically, and she noticed that bedroom satisfaction was rarely mutual. Later that evening she tried to initiate the conversation with Mr. Johnson, but he grew exceedingly angry and proceeded to yell at Ms. Roker, accusing her of insulting him and cheating on him. Ms. Roker decided a month later to end the relationship. 
1. If Mr. Johnson utilized active listening, then he would have looked past his own feelings and tried to empathize with Ms. Roker. Through better communication, they could've discussed their differences amicably and improved their sex life together.

I decided to list these examples because they show the different barriers to active listening. These barriers include distractions, defensiveness, and misunderstanding (LMFT, 2023). Other barriers include listening to respond (or thinking of your response while listening) and allowing our own personal bias to take over (University, 2024).

Duke, N. & Cleveland Clinic (2023), suggest some ways to help you grow your active listening skills: 

1. Set Intentions - no one is right or wrong here. 
2. Mindful Presence - keep yourself mentally grounded in the conversation at that moment. 
3. Ask questions - appropriate ones for clarity or concern. 
4. Don't focus on your response - it comes naturally from hearing everything.
5. Be non-judgmental

Conclusion

We are all capable of creating beautiful connections with each other regardless of familiarity, sexuality, gender, or nationality!

Taking more time to listen and empathize with those around you can help to grow your connections, strengthen your personal relationships, and create self-growth. Definitely give it a try in your relationships and take note of the changes it makes to them. 

Lastly, always remember these 3 key things:

1. Consent is not a choice, it is Mandatory!
2. YOU always have the right to say NO!
3. YOUR CHOICE should always be RESPECTED!

Happy Learning and Happy Foreplay ;)

"Class Dismissed" - Mrs. Tease

References

Duke, N. (2023, May 25). 7 Ways To Improve Your Active Listening Skills. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/active-listening

Freepik. (2023). Freepik - Free Graphic resources for everyone. Freepik. https://www.freepik.com/

LMFT, M. H. (2023, March 7). Active Listening: A Key to Deeper Intimacy and Understanding in Your Relationship. Holding Hope Marriage and Family Therapy. https://holdinghopemft.com/active-listening-a-key-to-deeper-intimacy-and-understanding-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Greater%20trust%3A%20active%20listening%20builds

RAINN. (2019). What Consent Looks Like | RAINN. Rainn.org. https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent

University, U. S. (2024, May 17). Using Active Listening to Enhance Your Relationships. Extension.usu.edu. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/using-active-listening-to-enhance-your-relationships